American Flag Accessories: Ties, Bow Ties & Suspenders

If Kylie Jenner can make millions pushing ladies lip creams and cuticle softeners and whatnot, we sure as hell can sell some decent semi-sober patriotic accessories. You won’t find these American flag accessories at Wally World, we’re talking American Flag suspenders and ties, shades, red, white and blue sweatbands, and just about any other freedom flaunting 4th of July accessories your greasy burger hands can handle. The Kardashians will have no idea what hit ‘em.

As much as you hate to admit it, the Robinson's down the street throw a Fourth of July barbecue that makes the Jones' Christmas party look like the Miller's Arbor Day soiree. But this is your year. You're ready to cement yourself as the most patriotic partier this side of the county line. It's not going to be easy though. You'll need to have your American flag gear in check: the right BBQ meats, drinks, drinking games, tunes, and most importantly the best patriotic American flag accessories (we're talking American flag ties, patriotic suspenders, and USA sunglasses) to ensure that you've crafted a summer party the likes of which the lawns of your street have never seen before. Here's what you'll need to do:
Get a big ‘ol rack of ribs, 4 dozen brats, a whole mess of frozen burgers, and then all the sides you can muster from the grocery. "But what should I get for our vegan neighbor Cheryl?" you ask as if I haven't already answered the question. Cheryl will eat the sides because those are vegan, yes Cheryl, even the potato salad with the mayo is vegan just eat it.
Get the beer, get it in mass, get it light. This is where the Robinson's went wrong. They thought that a few summer shandy's and a mojito spritz cocktail would satiate the masses, but they had no idea how wrong they were. You won't make their mistakes, you're an American, a patriot, a god damn red, white, and blue flag waving, drinking accessory wielding, stars and stripes apparel clad hero, and you. Will. Have. Light. Beer.
Get those games. Cornhole's a classic, Beersby is a little newer age, but nothing quite says it's cookout like a game of stump. You'll quickly learn who has absentee parents that never taught them to swing a hammer, plus there ain't nothing more ‘Merican than ruining your own 4th of July party by swinging around tools, as long as you have on some patriotic sunglasses for protection.
Get the tunes. Just go to Spotify and put on any playlist that has "Butt Rock" in the name. While you're envisioning Kid Rock wailing into a mic while wearing a tattered American flag bandana and a literal American flag as clothing, your entire party will be experiencing it in real time.

The last piece of the puzzle to win the 4th of July block party/destroy the neighborhood is spreading the love. So get some matching patriotic accessories for the ones you love and enjoy the majesty of American flag apparel together. The more people feel invested in the event, the more you can feel justified in not cleaning up after your dog once he's done pinching one out on the Robinson's lawn. It's a win, win, win. So cement yourself as the neighborhood alpha household this summer, and go win that BBQ with these red, white, and blue accessories.